Assertiveness, the Key to Authentic Relationships

A few months ago I asked my husband to clean out a pile of random stuff he had in the garage.  Days and weeks went by.  I started to become very bothered by this.  If you were me, which of the following what would your natural response to this situation be? 

1-   Say nothing and hope he cleans it soon (Passive)
2-   Tell him how rude he is (Aggressive)
3-   Give a cold shoulder (Passive Aggressive)
4-   Make a request (Assertive)

For me, option #1 was my normal response in situations like this.  The act of “putting others’ needs before my own” was the highest virtue in my household growing up and anything forthright was seen as rude.  After doing all I could to ignore my desire to have a neat garage, I found myself having urges to throw bike parts on his side of the bed to get the message across.  It wasn’t until he made a request to me to move one of my things in the garage that my resentment came to a head and I responded with aggression.  Despite my desire to have unlimited grace for him, stuffing my true feelings backfired on me.  My well intentions defaulted into passivity, which led to both passive-aggressive and aggressive responses!   I was startled by what became of my attitude through this experience and realized that if I truly want to be more authentic with my husband and true to myself, I would need to learn the skill of assertiveness. Contrary to what many think, being assertive is not all about winning or getting your way, the goal is a win-win solution.  Assertiveness is about having Authentic Relationships, relationships where you are known for who you truly are and are truthful about what you need and want.  In authentic relationships there is a mutual openness and trust to be your true selves. 

Some important things were missing from my thought process in order for assertiveness to happen.  I wasn’t in touch with my true feelings, I wasn’t honest with what I wanted and I wasn’t clear about my request.  Whatever your current communication style is, there are 3 things you need to ask yourself in order to be authentically assertive.  

1.    How do I really feel?  Avoid responding impulsively. What is the underlying feeling you are having?  I really like having a tidy garage and I am bothered that it isn’t more organized. 
2.    What do I want?  Put complaints asides.  What need do you want met?  I need my surroundings to be less cluttered and to know when my husband will have his things put away. 
3.    What do I want to request?  What has to happen in order for you to get what you need? I would like for the pile in the garage to be taken care of as soon as possible. 

Assertive communication to my husband: I am realizing how much it means to me to have a tidy garage.  I know you are busy and maybe just forgot about it; when would you be able to have your things in the garage put away?  

In the list below, there are more tips and examples on making requests in various situations.  Which situations can you relate to?  

A. Situation: A neighbor's dog barks incessantly at all hours of the day and night.
Response: Be willing to compromise. Tell him or her you'd like for them to find a way to silence the dog or at least bring it inside at night.

B. Situation: Someone cuts in line in front of you at the store checkout.
Response: Share your observation.  Point out that you believe you have been waiting longer and should be next.

C. Situation: You co- worker makes comments that offend or insults you.
Response: Use “I feel” statements.  Explain how what they said made you feel and ask them to discontinue their comments.

D. Situation: Your friend suggests a Chinese, which you hate, for the 4th lunch in a row.
Response: Suggest alternatives.  Suggest another place you'd like to go instead and point out that the other place isn't your favorite.

E. Situation: Someone who was supposed to lend you something or do a favor forgot. 
Response: Give the benefit of the doubt, avoid blame. Mention that you know they were probably just busy and failed to think about it, but you really do need (fill in the blank).  

I bet you are wondering what my husband’s response was?  Although he didn’t quite understand my urgency, he now knows how I feel and we were able to work together to create a win-win plan.  I would take this over the impact that resentment had on our relationship. By choosing assertiveness, the underlying tension from needs unmet and things unsaid is gone and space is created to have a more open, loving relationship.  Marriage had just magnified what I have been missing all along- authenticity with other and empowerment to be true to my self. 

At times, by neglecting to speak from my “true self” I had been keeping people at arms length and limiting my opportunities.  Assertiveness creates authenticity that can’t be gained any other way.  Practicing assertiveness in all areas of your life will build confidence and empower you to open doors that would not have opened on their own.  

Action Step:  How could you apply assertiveness techniques to one
situation in your life and express your authentic self?

“Four Styles Of Communication Chart taken from:
http://lifehacker.com/how-to-be-more-assertive-and-communicate
more-effective-1586157331. To read more on assertiveness including body language tips and situational considerations when being assertive, check it out.