The relationship with a terminal illness is a love/ hate one. The forewarning of mortality gave my mom the opportunity to check items off her life’s bucket list, have “one last times,” and prepare for her last days. This life sentence also came with the price of watching my vibrant mother and best friend weaken one day at a time, losing her ability to talk, swallow and express herself. My mom had always been an overwhelmingly gracious person and her response to her illness was no different. It was through grief, optimism and connection that she demonstrated what she believed about God.
Grief: “I am so thirsty, but can’t swallow. I have so much to say but can’t talk; feelings to express but can’t smile,” my mom wrote on her tablet during her final days. Over time, the nerves of her tongue, throat and face gradually stopped working, leaving the muscles paralyzed and her personhood inexpressible. My mom knew well of death, dying and mourning through her years of being a bereavement counselor and hospice nurse. Perhaps this is why she always said “there is no right way to grieve but you must grieve or you will never heal.” My mom let herself experience the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It was through her grief that she was able to heal and let go of the “would have, could haves” and move on toward acceptance and renewal. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16).
Optimism: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD’. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). Could it be that even during my mom’s suffering, God intended for her to prosper? It was hard to see through the pain but my mom would tell me, “the trees have never been more beautiful and the air so fresh. I see things differently now." She continued to be an inspiration and encouragement to those around her. It was astonishing to watch her continued personal dignity and energy for life even when her body was pushing to thwart her determination." She decided many times over to look at what she could do and not focus on what she couldn’t. She believed God had her on this earth for a purpose; this purpose didn’t diminish when her body’s abilities did. “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Romans 8:28)
Connection: “God hasn’t taken me yet, he still needs me on earth.” Not only was it my mom’s commitment to continue living with this disease but my dad’s 44 years of steadfast love and devotion that enabled her stay strong. My dad realized that “it could have me who got this illness … we are together in sickness and in health. Besides, any one of us could get hit by a car and be gone tomorrow.” Often my dad displayed ease and positivity when going through this journey with my mom. This was the power of commitment. Even when he understood the pain and suffering, his eyes were laser focused on living this life, together, without question, without doubt, staying connected and present even when it was painful. “Bravery is not the absence of fear but the ability to move forward despite fear.” She stayed connected to God and wonderful friends around her that validated who she was when she wasn’t able to express her full self. She loved, engaged and thrived.
Each one of your days are numbered. "Don't boast about tomorrow, for you don't know what a day may bring.” -Prov. 27:1. Now is the time to grieve the hard things in life so you can heal. Now is the time to see your cup half full through the lens of optimism. Choose to commit to living out the life God gave you with dignity and connection despite things out of your control. These attributes take discipline and courage but the pay off is true, real, raw and authentic joy. Joy that is not only the head and heart, but also in the spirit and soul.
Action Step:
In what area of your life can you see your cup half full through the lens of optimism?
Grief: “I am so thirsty, but can’t swallow. I have so much to say but can’t talk; feelings to express but can’t smile,” my mom wrote on her tablet during her final days. Over time, the nerves of her tongue, throat and face gradually stopped working, leaving the muscles paralyzed and her personhood inexpressible. My mom knew well of death, dying and mourning through her years of being a bereavement counselor and hospice nurse. Perhaps this is why she always said “there is no right way to grieve but you must grieve or you will never heal.” My mom let herself experience the grieving process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It was through her grief that she was able to heal and let go of the “would have, could haves” and move on toward acceptance and renewal. “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day” (2 Corinthians 4:16).
Optimism: “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD’. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). Could it be that even during my mom’s suffering, God intended for her to prosper? It was hard to see through the pain but my mom would tell me, “the trees have never been more beautiful and the air so fresh. I see things differently now." She continued to be an inspiration and encouragement to those around her. It was astonishing to watch her continued personal dignity and energy for life even when her body was pushing to thwart her determination." She decided many times over to look at what she could do and not focus on what she couldn’t. She believed God had her on this earth for a purpose; this purpose didn’t diminish when her body’s abilities did. “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” (Romans 8:28)
Connection: “God hasn’t taken me yet, he still needs me on earth.” Not only was it my mom’s commitment to continue living with this disease but my dad’s 44 years of steadfast love and devotion that enabled her stay strong. My dad realized that “it could have me who got this illness … we are together in sickness and in health. Besides, any one of us could get hit by a car and be gone tomorrow.” Often my dad displayed ease and positivity when going through this journey with my mom. This was the power of commitment. Even when he understood the pain and suffering, his eyes were laser focused on living this life, together, without question, without doubt, staying connected and present even when it was painful. “Bravery is not the absence of fear but the ability to move forward despite fear.” She stayed connected to God and wonderful friends around her that validated who she was when she wasn’t able to express her full self. She loved, engaged and thrived.
Each one of your days are numbered. "Don't boast about tomorrow, for you don't know what a day may bring.” -Prov. 27:1. Now is the time to grieve the hard things in life so you can heal. Now is the time to see your cup half full through the lens of optimism. Choose to commit to living out the life God gave you with dignity and connection despite things out of your control. These attributes take discipline and courage but the pay off is true, real, raw and authentic joy. Joy that is not only the head and heart, but also in the spirit and soul.
Action Step:
In what area of your life can you see your cup half full through the lens of optimism?